


The Monster That I Knew

by Peoplehelpthepeople



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Author Projecting onto characters, Author projecting onto Evan’s anxiety, Connor survived, Evan’s social anxiety, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Misunderstandings, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sibling Bonding, Social Anxiety, Suicide Attempt, Tree Bros, Treebros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28451046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peoplehelpthepeople/pseuds/Peoplehelpthepeople
Summary: "Is this some kind of joke to you? Do you think it's funny?" Connor berated. "What did they tell 'ya, huh? Did they tell you how much of a monster I am? About how disappointed they were that the fuck-up couldn't even off himself correctly? I'm sure Zoe had a lot to contribute with. You two must've had a fucking blast."Evan wanted to object, tell him that he hadn't even talked to Zoe and that his parents weren't even slightly close to how he described them. Before he knew it, Connor had turned around and stormed off.In which Connor survived his suicide attempt at the beginning of the musical, Zoe is hurt and Evan is anxious.
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	The Monster That I Knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was wrong. This was going too far. The cast– the letter– his anxiety– everything was a mess.

Evan's eyes were glued to the wall in front of him. It was off-white, a messy bulletin board making up most of its surface. He tried, and failed, to make out the words of some random diploma that was pinned to the board. 

This was usually how Evan would tackle social encounters. Avoid eye contact. Focus on his surroundings. Latch onto anything that could help him stay grounded. Last, but not least: avoid the source of his discomfort. Despite his efforts, he was painfully aware of the Murphys' unwavering stares. To be fair, he was also aware of that they were talking to him, though he had stopped paying attention to the words. 

Suddenly, the string of words came to a halt. They must have asked him a question, Evan realized a bit too late. He could practically feel the sweat forming on his palms. With his jaw clenched, he tore his eyes away from the scruffy board. They met Mrs. Murphy's for a split second before recoiling, ultimately ending up fixated on Evan's own shoelaces. If eyes could fidget, it was definitely what his would be doing right now. 

"I understand if it's a lot to take in," Mrs. Murphy tried after a few moments of silence. "I can't even begin to phantom how it must feel to receive news like this so suddenly." She let her words linger. Mr. Murphy cleared his throat, taking over. 

"We didn't think Connor had any friends. And then we see this note and it's– this seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor are, or at least for Connor, he thinks of you as..." he didn't complete the sentence, instead looking at Evan in anticipation. The teenager opened his mouth, but no words came out. Evan hated feeling this hopeless. Mr. and Mrs. Murphy must have come to school that day hopeful, expecting to talk to their son's supposedly "best and most dearest friend", and instead they were stuck with this anxious mess of a boy who couldn't even muster up the courage to properly introduce himself (let alone tell them that it was all a big, unfortunate misunderstanding).

Hopeless. Utterly hopeless. 

"He's obviously in shock," Mr. Murphy muttered, sharing a worried look with his wife. Mrs. Murphy tentatively stretched out her arm towards the teenager. 

"Evan? Are you alright? Should we get Mr. Howard?" 

Evan sucked in a breath and shook his head. He flinched away from her touch, hoping it wasn't too noticeable. The pitiful look on her face told him otherwise. The woman must've finally spotted the cast of his arm — or rather, the name written all over it with rigid, bold letters, — because she let out an audible gasp. 

"Larry, look! His cast–"

No. This was wrong. This was going too far. The cast– the letter– his anxiety– everything was a mess.

"I'm sorry, but I should probably just– can I please go now?" Evan managed to blurt out, his throat feeling thick and dry at the same time. He didn't wait for an answer, shooting up from his chair and scurrying towards the door. 

"Uhm, I have– I have class, so I'll just– I'm just gonna..."

"Wait, Evan! Erm, before you go," Mr. Murphy interrupted. "Connor. He's hospitalized at Strong Memorial Hospital. I'm sure you'd want to pay him a visit." He took a few steps towards the teen and stretched out a hand, revealing a small paper card. "Take this. My business card– you can call or email me if you have any questions." 

Evan nodded reluctantly and accepted the card before heading out, finally able to breathe again. 

Spoiler alert: Evan did not pay Connor a visit.

In fact, he didn't even call or send an e-mail at all. To be fair, he had been close to dropping by the hospital a couple times, but his anxiety always managed to stop him. What if Connor was awake? What if he told his parents everything and revealed that Evan had been lying to them this whole time? (Because that's what he was: a liar. He might not have explicitly confirmed the Murphys' theories, but he definitely hadn't denied them either.) Evan had no idea how he would be able to face Mr. and Mrs. Murphy's disappointed scowls. 

No, avoiding the situation was definitely his best option right now. Besides, all he ever did was run. What difference would this one instance make?

His only family friend, Jared, wasn't of much help either. His initial reaction when Evan told him about the situation was to laugh in his face. Then, after some frantic rambling from Evan's side, he'd agreed to not rat him out. Evan figured he should be happy at least he had someone to share his insecurities with, though Jared didn't exactly provide much help, but rather humorous distractions. 

It took three whole weeks before he saw Connor again. Evan nearly choked on air when he first spotted the brunet in the hallway. At first glance, nothing about him looked off. Well, at least not compared to Connor Murphy's standards. To everyone else, Connor had caught the flu and been home sick for the past weeks. Only Evan (plus Zoe and Jared, technically) knew how far that strayed from the truth.

Evan honestly didn't know what he'd been expecting. Deep down he supposed he'd hoped that the Murphys hadn't talked to Connor about his "best friend" and that he remained oblivious. Of course, the logical part of his brain knew how unlikely that was. It was only when Connor himself approached Evan with a displeasured scowl decorating his face that he realized the reality of the situation.

"Secret best friends, huh?" While the sentence itself might've come off as humorous, the tone in Connor's voice was all but that. Evan fidgeted with the bottom of his shirt. 

"It's– uhm... it was a misunderstanding," he mumbled nervously.

"What did you say?"

"I– uh–" Evan could feel the pressure of Connor's piercing stare weighting him down. "There was... they, uhm... my cast!" He quickly stretched out his left arm so that Connor could see his cast. The bold letters were impossible to miss. Connor snorted.

"How fucking typical of them — believing whatever they want to believe." Evan believed he was talking about his parents. "They never asked– they never even cared to ask if I had any friends, and now, all of the sudden they pretend to know everything. I repeat; fucking typical." His eyes landed on Evan, expecting him to say something. He forced a chuckle. 

Apparently, that was a wrong move, because the taller boy visibly tensed and the look on his face hardened. Evan was struck with a sense of déjà vu, remembering their encounter on the first day of school. 

"Are you laughing at me?"

"What? No, I–"

"Is this some kind of joke to you? Do you think it's funny?" Connor berated. "What did they tell 'ya, huh? Did they tell you how much of a monster I am? About how disappointed they were that the fuck-up couldn't even off himself correctly? I'm sure Zoe had a lot to contribute with. You two must've had a fucking blast." 

Evan wanted to object, tell him that he hadn't even talked to Zoe and that his parents weren't even slightly close to how he described them. Before he knew it, Connor had turned around and stormed off. 

Evan didn't see him the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, it’s been a while since I’ve written a fanfic, so I hope this isn’t too bad! I don’t have a set updating schedule yet, but I will update you when I do.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and stay safe!<3


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